by Kimberly Martin
Holes in the wall.
Painful words, flying through the air along with any object within reach.
Life in disarray.
Most of the time in uncontrollable fits of rage.
Bruises on arms, legs and back.
Fighting in defense. Thinking back……more often fighting in offense.
Not getting your way. Situations not going your way.
You want it your way. There cannot be another way.
Behaving like a two-year throwing a fit in the grocery store. The tantrums beyond comprehension.
Crying all the time not knowing the reasoning behind it all.
Avoiding the one’s you love in fear of anger exposing itself.
It could be suppressed for small amounts of time which only lead to more dangerous conclusions.
Alone and angry at the only one left in the room. Wanting to feel something other than the rage, you find other uses for that broken glass.
How many years living like this? Thirty. Maybe forty. The breaking point comes. You find there is only one alternative.
~There is help. There is hope.
My story is long yet no different than any other woman out there struggling with Impulsive Rage Disorder/Borderline Personality. Maybe you haven’t been diagnosed or you have been incorrectly diagnosed or “I’m not that bad” comes to mind. No matter what your story holds, you are not alone.
My anger has destroyed relationships with many partners and a few have been physically damaging. I worked hard in therapy to improve my life and through meditation and emotion regulation, I have been able to live these past four years peace.
I still get angry. It will always be a part of the emotional chart. I can now control how I want to feel and the anger subsides and feelings of strength and empowerment take over.
For the women in a struggle, reach out. It may seem impossible but we are out here waiting for you.